When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
