We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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