The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
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