I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
