I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
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Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
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I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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