and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
