life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
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