I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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