took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
