I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize