Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
