you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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