What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
