Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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