It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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