she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
