Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
