how can u be prego again
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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