So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
