Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
