im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
