Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
