First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
