my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
40s are totally the cure
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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