I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
My balls are so social today.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
