I accidentally had phone sex last night
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
