You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
