He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
