If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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