i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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