The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
