I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
