you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
