I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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