oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
