It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
