It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
