I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
time to smoke my breakfast
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
