I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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