so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
