This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
