3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
