I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
