Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
