You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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