Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
