I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
