I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
