I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
