Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
