i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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