He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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