And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.