I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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