I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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