i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
