dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
