Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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